Dolls–once ceramic faces turned Scarlett O’Hara miniatures turned Malibu Barb–are changing face again. In a heart-to-plastic-heart interview, one former brat talks of her transformation, the mothering of dolls, and underwear.
“It all started when a woman from the countryside dressed down some of her daughter’s bratty dolls. I was one of them,” explains female figurine, Tina, formerly known as bratty doll: Terrifically Crop-Topped Tina.
Rubbing their faces with nail polish remover, the woman from the countryside willed the brats free of previous poor life decisions.
“She then removed our crops tops, our heels, and burnt our bras. Yeah, some of the younger figurines cried. They just don’t get it, you know.”
And then the woman from the countryside’s mother joined in by creating hearts on the literal sleeves of each and every figurine. The mother of the mother crocheted bits of matter that mattered.
“Yeah, they covered our arms, our skinny legs, our breasts with thick fabric. That part was really nice because my exposed bits have always been cold. Besides my boobs have never been as impressive as Barbie’s,” she says while trying to bend her plastic wrist in a casually coquettish way.
As Tina and I talk, the woman from the countryside stands in her kitchen, just watching us. Framed in the window, she is a lovely picture with peace smeared across her lips. Earlier, she said something about not meaning anything by her actions. That she’s not a crazy feminist or anything.
And yet, her actions have allowed these figurines to find peace, too, in their daily interactions with their human companions.
“Instead of wondering how I’ll afford my staple Urban Decay eye shadows–“Dive Bar” is my go-to color–my human takes me to the garden, even pushes me on the swing. We just let our hair down, you know. Like now I get dirty and it’s okay,” said Tina while sitting on her hands so as not to flip her hair back and forth.
The dolls don’t have to be so fictitious anymore, so saturated in rough lines and hues of blue and pink.
“It’s hard work being a toy, dressing up every day,” Tina sighed.
Although their eyes are no longer understated by shadowed lids, the dolls may be considered brats for some time.
“We ask to not be referred to as dolls or brats. The correct term is female figurine, and we have been fighting hard to change that,” she adds. “It’s all a big adjustment. Like, we’re still adjusting to the fabric–the skin irritations and rashes have gone down. Our human companions use a mild detergent which is nice. Oh, and the underwear? Yeah, that’s been a huge adjustment. Now we feel much safer when left out after dark. Ken and his army buddies laugh because they don’t know what it’s like. They’ve never had to worry about that,” Tina explained.
However, not every figurine shares the woman from the countryside’s sentiments. Some of the female figurines have rebelled against their crotchet-ed counterparts.
“They think they’re funny, prancing in the front yard, singing of milkshakes and boys,” stated Tina, a ripe frown across her plastic face.
And yet another group of female figurines–ones that have been owned by the humans for several years–have formed rank in the side yard.
“Yeah, we kind of knew they would go off on their own once this whole thing started. This group of figurines has always tried to mother us, to boss us ’round.” Tina admits.
This group consists of Spit-up Sodden Sarah, Crossfit Then Cuddle Carrie, Newborn Nursing Nina, (not to be outdone by Leaky Boob Lisa), Guilt-ridden Exec. Gloria, Caffeine-Crash-Wine-Glass Corrina, and Insta-hipster Iris (who always brings goth-inspired cake pops to the bake sales).
“It’s funny because all of our human companions initially gravitated toward female figurines like me, who just want to be free to express themselves. But now the mothering group, especially Insta-hipster Iris, is all the rage. Like she really has it all. Our human companions say those figurines resemble their own mothers, and they can’t wait to grow up and be just like them.”
*To read about the amazingly true story which inspired this flash interview, click here.
**To peep the undoubtedly inspired, and newly transformed Mattel female figurines, click here.